Putting Another’s Needs Above Your Own is Not Love
Unpopular opinions, take one.
I’m sure there are many definitions for love out there, and I like to spend my time just as much as the next person contemplating what it is and isn’t, plucking petals off flowers while wondering if they love me, or love me not. Love can be an emotion, an action, a manifestation. It takes physical or aural form in a painting or in a song. It’s in the way your partner wordlessly makes coffee for you every morning or kisses your cheek. It can be in a glance between strangers on a crowded subway. We love talking about love, and that fascination isn’t something that’s going away anytime soon.
There are so many cliched definitions for the L-word, and I have to say that this one just never sat well with me. Particularly in the romantic sense, putting someone’s needs above your own, consistently, is just a recipe for resentment. It sounds like an invitation to tally up the number of times you decided to put your partner’s desires and requests over your own, and then use that compiled list as justification for bad behavior whenever you two get into an argument. Or, you end up using that list as leverage when asking them to help you out as a favor.
I can see this phrase working in the context of parents sacrificing their all to make sure their child does well in the big bad world, but even in that situation there are caveats. “I fed you and clothed you so you need to become a doctor!”-esque sentiments are probably tried and true among many families. You can probably imagine the family dynamic isn’t that great.
Personality Type: The Chill
There are those out there who will never lift their finger to do something beyond any task required of them. They can very well fulfill a task and do it well, but to think of next steps is something that doesn’t happen. I’ve done what I’m supposed to do, they think. What’s the point in doing more?
These personality types get along with others marvelously because of they do not overthink and their easygoing nature gets them bonus points. On the other hand, they will most likely not place someone else’s needs above their own without eventually seeing it as an impediment to their own comfort.
Personality Type: The No-Chill
And then there are those who will read between the lines, think of any ulterior motives, assess all possible outcomes, and worry about the results. They fret about first impressions and will reorganize their wardrobe twice before coming to the conclusion that black, rather than white socks are more appropriate simply because they are newer, completely ignore the fact that no one will probably see them anyways.
They will do more partly because they want to, but partially because there’s an unspoken rule they’ve made up for themselves that obliges them to do it. It’s almost a compulsion — they can’t help it. If they don’t go above and beyond then somehow they’ve failed. But in putting someone else’s needs above their own, they eventually burn out and are left frustrated at the other person and also their own selves.
So what’s your point?
If someone needs something and you immediately provide assistance without them acknowledging your help afterwards, then neither party truly benefits from the exchange.
Prioritizing another person’s wants and needs is simply another way of expressing love. It’s important to be aware, though, that’s it’s not a one-size-fits-all. Not everyone has to notice your selfless actions, but if it’s not the right people who do, you might end up feeling even worse than before you began. Doing good is supposed to feel good. So to my no-chill: realize that you don’t have to do more than what’s asked sometimes. And to my too-chill: putting in a little more goes a long way.
Putting another’s needs above your own is not love if they don’t appreciate your sacrifice. It only works if their needs become a part of your own or even better: if they’re shared. Needs and wants and dreams, all bundled together, nestled between your two hearts.
